Hey there! How are you? Metro Manila was still on Enhanced Community Quarantine when I last updated my page. Six months of no stories. It is not that I do not have anything to share. Actually I DO have a lot to post but did not have the urge to write. But today feels different and hopefully I can write more often as things start to slowly but surely get better.
If you have read some of my previous posts, you already know that I have been struggling mentally and emotionally for the longest time. It all started in 2018 and am still going through it until now. That is the main reason why I stopped writing. I lost my interest. Despite sharing a story or two every once in a while, I know that I am not ready to go back to what I used to enjoy doing. And so after years of struggling inside, I finally mustered the courage to seek medical help for my condition. I had my first mental therapy last month. It was not an easy decision. I hesitated and questioned myself if it was really necessary to see a doctor or just “mind over matter”. There was also this fear of being judged. What if people, even my own family, could not understand what I am doing? What if they think I am crazy? In this country, taking care of mental health is not a priority. Mental health just got on the news when people started feeling anxious because of the lockdown but in reality when you seek professional help for your mental condition, you are already considered mad by those who do not believe in anxiety and depression. There are some who think that you are just being dramatic or you create your own fears.
Thankfully, my family and friends supported my decision. They said it was time to do it as my anxiety worsened. If it is something that would make me feel better, then I should give it a shot . They also got worried because my condition affected my sleep and appetite that’s why they also insisted that I do it. I had trouble getting sleep because dark thoughts did not seem to go away. I would stay awake thinking of the past and having paranoia. There were days when while asleep my heart suddenly beat fast, so fast that it literally felt like it was going to be removed from my body. I was always exhausted when I wake up. Yes, the thought of ending my life crossed my mind a lot of times before but last month, I just realized one day that giving up is not an option. I got tired of crying, being in pain and feeling lonely. There is more to life and better days are ahead of me. My family and friends love me and I should not waste that. My children need me. My life is not mine alone. My willingness to live is stronger than my fears. My anxiety is NOT ME. I am not defined by my past. With all these in mind I checked my company’s free mental health service, booked a session and talked to a psychologist. It was one of the best decisions I made this year.
If you would ask me how I am feeling now, I can say that I am better than the Meg a month ago. The therapy made me realize that I am stronger than I think. My feelings are valid and I have the right to feel this way. I shouldn’t feel sorry for getting hurt. Slowly, I can go back to what I love about my old self. There are so many beautiful things that are bound to happen so I have to live my life. Once the storm is over, I will be a better version of me.
My battle is far from over but I am glad that I am giving myself a chance to fight. My own demons may try to drag me back to the black hole but I will not let them win. Not this time. Never again. It is not an easy fight but the love of my family and friends give me the courage to keep going. There will be victory and defeat in the next days to come but what’s for sure is when I fall down, I will stand up and fight again. For myself. For my loved ones.
Me opening up about this chapter of my life is a way of healing myself. I am not ashamed of what I am now. My wounds are still fresh but one day, I will look at my battle scars and be proud that I did not give up. A pat on the back, self. You are making progress. You are on the right track.
P.S. Thank you to my family and friends who never get tired of supporting and loving me. I maybe difficult sometimes but you guys try your best to understand. I love you all.
Praying For Happier Days For All Of Us,